What drives me nuts

Hard breathing these days.

I've started 10+ blogs since 2003. I can never figure out beforehand what direction the blog will take. It always starts out as a specific idea but takes an unplanned route and ends up... well... I don't know. It's like planning to have a blond and blue-eyed child but ending up with a dark/dark one. Or vice versa. And yeah, Make Art Live Life is sooooooo far from talking about making art OR living life it's just plain ridiculous. It's like naming it Chocolate and talking about software.

I've been trying to keep my sanity, and given the two months of loneliness in my rediscovered hometown, I think I'm doing quite well. Except the moments when I feel like breaking things and screaming - impulses to which I haven't given in. Yet.

Today is a day to ask for forgiveness here.

I went to this covered market yesterday - a tiny patch of land in the middle of the city. I suddenly felt happier. I woke up from this delirium. I could breathe easier. And why? I looked around and realized that it was FUCKING CLEAN THERE. And ORGANIZED. God I hate this place. This country is gonna give me a heart attack one of these days just by being such a fucking mess. Why didn't my parents move when they were younger? Now I'm tied down between the desire to escape to a Western European country and the wish and responsibility to stay close to my parents. Pear doesn't fall farther than the tree. Fucking saying is annoyingly right.