Parkinson's Disease & Personality

Since the moment Mom told me about Dad's PD and secretly blamed him for "doing it all to himself", I started seeking information on how one's personality may be related to the chance of developing PD. And yes, it turns out there is a correlation. According to this article, personality traits associated with PD, are:

- introversion
- inflexibility
- low novelty seeking

Traits pointed out here, are:

- ambitious
- industrious
- serious
- single-minded
- rigid
- introverted
- slow-tempered
- harm-avoidant

Needless to say, Dad is most of the above things.

The technical reason PD develops is because of low production of dopamine in the brain. This other article doesn't talk directly about PD but says a thing or two about dopamine and introversion. It turns out that introverts "have a low tolerance to dopamine, the thrill-seeking neurotransmitter. Essentially, introverts need way less of this than do extroverts, and too much dopamine makes them anxious and eventually drained. For introverts, outside stimulation which increases dopamine levels is much like being tickled: not so bad at first, but it can escalate and become very stressful and uncomfortable. Introverts prefer the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, which produces a feeling of calm and wellbeing. This neurotransmitter is raised during calm, reflective activities like reading or drawing."

Unfortunately, I'm not a medical doctor, and I can only draw conclusions based on my common sense, but it sounds like introverts really are sort of "doing it to themselves" by staying in their shell, not getting out there and not seeking new and exciting people and experiences, even if they make them uncomfortable. That did sound like blaming though. I'm more of an introvert myself. Am I at higher risk of getting PD? I was big on novelty-seeking in my late teens (more than my parents could tolerate or were happy with) and maybe the first year or two of college but since then I've become more and more harm-avoidant, single-minded and rigid. I notice my inflexibility with other people, the spontaneity I used to thrive on and now makes me more anxious than excited. I don't consider myself ambitious and industrious but I do beat myself up every so often for not achieving this goal and that goal, so I guess I am ambitious in a way. I feel like it's not too late to fight these tendencies, and I am certainly glad I am able to recognize them. But what am I going to do about them? Do I have the strength to do what it takes? Very often I find myself wanting to be as relaxed, carefree and adventure-seeking as my good old sixteen year old self and I want that girl to come back from where she's hiding and show me how to live.

Adapting vs. Settling

They don't mean the same thing. Then why am I so scared to let myself adapt?

Settling is adapting with a negative connotation to it.

At the same time, I think I need to adapt in order to go forward. I'll give an example.

It's been a month. I stubbornly refuse to accept the ugly realities of this country. I'm afraid if I accept the ugly monster buildings from communist times with their paint peeling off and the large territories of mud and dirt all around them, then I'll stop trying for something better and I'll settle for this. In that way I don't *want* to adapt, it's not that I *can't*. Adapting has become a synonym of settling in my mind. I perceive it as taking a step back from where I am. But maybe it's a step forward. Maybe I have to make this forward step of adapting in order to make the next forward step of moving on. Settling is a step back, adapting is a step forward. I know smart people adapt. Dumb people settle. I'm so scared of not being the dumb one I can't let myself be the smart one. And that makes me mediocre, indifferent, which inevitably is also a step back. There is no stillness in life, there is always change, movement. You're bound to go in some direction and it's your choice which one it'll be.

WHITE HAIR!!!

Ok, so usually I keep my hair on one side. It's been like this for ten years. I switched to the other side today, for a change, and I fell in deep depression right there and then in front of the mirror. On that other side were hiding THREE white hairs! Not one, not two - THREE! One of them is just discolored and dull but the other two are exactly what people call SILVER. They're kind of pretty actually. And sparkly and cute and opinionated! I would love them if they weren't signifying the inevitable elapse of time and all that crap. I'm 26 and living at home with Mom and Dad and growing white hair! God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change... courage to change the things I can...

Cover letters and servility

A friend of mine used to proofread all my cover letters. Gradually he started replacing words and phrases and eventually he started completely remodeling my cover letters to entirely fit his writing style. I'm not going to lie and I'll admit I might've induced that behavior by not wanting to deal with my cover letters but that's not the point. The point is - after I while I realized that his letters sound servile. Behind the pompous phrases and complicated sentences was hiding a style revealing insecurity. He was kissing the ass of my potential employers in each cover letter.

Then I thought - if someone *does* ask me for an interview, it'll be someone who likes that cover letter. That means I'll eventually end up working for someone who *likes* to have their ass kissed, and this is the last kind of employer I'd ever want to work for.

So, bottom line, I believe that writing *your* cover letters in *your* style is the best thing you can do for your long-run professional well being. Let your cover letter portrait true confidence and not artificially inflated one. Whoever likes you for who you are is the boss you would most like to work for.

More on how useless cover letters really are - another time.

...they LOVE to travel...

We all know those people who boast with "I LOVE to travel!" and beat themselves in the chest for how worldly and well-traveled and blah blah blah they are. Well, I think that phrase is flawed. Here is the thing:

I HATE to travel.

I LOVE to spend time in new places and explore new places. But I don't like spending long chunks of time on a plane or a bus or in a car getting there. Trains are bearable to an extent but that's about it.

After all, if you spend 20 hours getting to Prague and you spend half an hour there before your next flight, you can't really say you've been to the Czech Republic, or even to Prague for that matter, can you?

Memories

I've been discovering my hometown the way I've been discovering a lot of new cities in the past seven years. Except that this is familiar but forgotten. Some things are new but most things carry forgotten memories and unlock buried moments. You can still see the occasional red Opel Vectra on the streets. I sat next to someone I loved ten years ago in one of those cars. I sat on the passenger’s seat and ate tangerines. Later I waited for him to go pee outside, where he drew bunnies in the snow with his pee. Another time I watched him drive off in his car as he waved at me in his rearview mirror. When these memories caught up with me today, I was sitting in a warm comfortable bus, looking out the window at the old and new buildings, the cars passing by, some of them red. Buses were rarely warm and comfortable ten years ago. Then I reached for my cell phone in my pocket and decided to see if I still remember his phone number. I did. I typed it in; if I had just hit the green button I could be speaking to him in a few seconds. I smiled a sad smile, then deleted it.

Maybe a part of me did secretly hold some kind of romantic hope for something undefined but beautiful. But then I imagined how we would get bored of each other and grow apart, after years, no, decades of eventful adventures, desperate lies and the comfortable silence of memories and longing.

I shouldn't go there. Not on my computer, not on my phone, not on my mind.